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{ this moment }

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applesauce, cinnamon, cloves. mix. shape. dry. breathe in the goodness. 

that's winter. 

of wings and roots.

I had a dream recently, where I was talking with God. 

well....kind of. 

it was a great, big bird. He was sitting on a ledge over looking the mountains. 

I've had these dreams before. Many times. God represented as a great large bird. 

I'm not sure what the origin is- perhaps a blend of childhood stories with those early teen years of amateur bird watching, culminating in eating up the bird silhouette trends in the market place. 

despite what the influence and origin are, the dreams came. And to my great delight, they stayed. 

Sometimes we speak. Sometimes we just sit. 

Often I write them down the next day, talk them out with the husband, and then I fold them into my hands and chest, hoping they will bubble up in my speech. 

this time, I forgot all about my dream until I heard Cedar "quacking" at the window. There were birds gathering outside in our yard, so naturally Cedar, our cat, quacks on discovery. 

She's a free spirit so I don't push "meowing" on her. :)

The quacks were all I needed to strike the memory of my dream from the night before. 

a dream that seemed to be the perfect medicine for my soul. 

i'm thankful god works this way. 

so in gratitude, I fed the birds. 

peanut butter on bread, with flax seeds, and half of the banana I was eating, pressed into the seeds as well.

the sky was on fire, when I got outside with my plate, burning away the day, and all the crap I filled it with. it wasn't a hard day, per se. Just full. Too full. 

this moment was just what I needed. A chance to reconnect. 

laying out my gift on my Ebeneezer stone.
you can still see the lavender blessing from the night before.

the birdies were too scared to venture closer.
I'm sure they were just itching for me to leave so they could grab up their goodies.
but I was too happy to sit and watch the sun set, the clouds rolling out as the fog rolled in, ever so slowly from the south.
the birds would just have to wait.

the dream I had was filled with this and that, but the lingering memory I've kept with me is of the great god bird, leaning ever so slightly my way, saying, "when you are unable to pray, the trees will pray."

Community is a mystery.

be grateful for the birds, friends.
for the burning sky.
and the praying trees.
their communion on our behalf is deeper than what we allow.
i'm sure of it.

winter tea vice.

we all have a vice. meet mine:

I've heard this 'tea' mix called several things, but I generally refer to it as my winter tea. 

it's absolutely horrible for you....it calls for an entire jar of Tang.

...I know. 

I avoided trying it for quite some time because of the Tang...

but you only live once, I decided. 

I don't make it often, but when I do make up a batch, it goes quickly. 

self control is the virtue I've yet to meet. 

enjoy it. 

WINTER TEA

1 package unsweetened lemonade (I used one kool-aid lemonade packet) 

2/3 cup unsweetened instant tea  (Lipton works great)

1/2 cup sugar 

One jar of Tang (556g)

1 tsp Cinnamon

3/4 tsp Cloves (I love cloves, so I usually use a bit more)

combine all ingredients in a bowl. 

mix together with a wooden spoon.

store in a quart size glass jar (cloves should not be stored in metal or plastic). 

to enjoy, add approximately 2 teaspoons to 8oz. of hot water- or to preferred taste. 

whenever I complete the dishes, I treat myself to a cup. 

this load earned me two cups. : )

reach.

pretty much my favorite picture of us.
even if i was rocking lopsided pigtails that day.
i like how we reach for each other by habit. it's second nature, really.
and trust me, I've held a lot of random hands on accident because of this.

and really, I'm more than ok- I'm freaking awesome, because I just discovered that I'm getting my holistic wellness coaching certification this month. Sweetness! The news had me reaching for none other than this mister. 

in other news:

pull up a chair ladies, and give me some advice. 

business advice. 

i'm struggling with pricing. Pricing products. Pricing the 10 Day Fast e-course. 

sincerely. Something about it makes me feel all.....guilty. 

When it comes down to it, I value the work I do. I value my time. And yet I value the teachings I work with and I want everyone to benefit from them. Reconciling them is where I get uncomfortable. 

Pricing my work brings up all these insecurities waiting below- I had no idea they were even there! Time and time again I find myself asking, "Should I charge for this?" "Is this too much?" "Why would anyone pay me for that?" 

It took me 20 some odd years to learn that sometimes when I speak my fears, I'm asking for affirmation or reassurance. So, I'm going to do just that. Ask for what I need. Is it ok to charge for my work, and still not be a money-sucking-monster looking to make a buck? How did working out pricing go for you? 

today, I'm ok.

today i'm ok.
it's okay my house is messy. the laundry can wait and the dust can settle.
it's okay my christmas tree is still up. i like the green.
it's okay that i bought my husband Gatorade because i freaked out over his fever.
it's even okay that he drank it. my internal holistic food cop can simmer down. he drank the coconut water too. fever is down, and all is well, red dye included.
it's okay that we're on day 8 of January, and I haven't taken a picture every day, left a daily blessing, watched every sunrise, or spent time writing. those things can happen when they happen. I'm ok.
today, it's okay that my business practice is pushing towards the deadline and I feel completely unprepared.
that's ok. It's even ok if I open my shop up a few days late. It's my own deadline. I have the right, and it's ok.
today, I'm ok with being overweight. Seriously. I was sick for over 4 years, spending most days in bed.
this weight and matching stretch marks are my story. my reminder of victory.
it's ok that i struggle with confidence with the new weight. it's okay that i can't touch my toes now.
and it's okay to teach holistic living while i'm recovering from the aftermath of disease.
this weight will come off. raw foods, hikes, water, god- they can undo the aftermath.
but today? it's ok. i like the chub.
it's okay that i'm struggling with making labels for my products.
i'll make them when the designs are good and ready.
if I have to print off something simple to meet my deadline, then ok.
herbs work in ugly labels just as much as if they were in pristine, cute and clever packaging.
today, it's okay if I put up my registration for the 10 Day Fast, and no one signs up before it starts. I showed up to do what I felt called to do, and that's ok. I won't worry about it.
today, i'm ok with being childless. i have a freaking wonderful husband who makes our family feel complete.
could I ask for anything more?
today, i'm ok with moving my blog address this week- knowing things may not transfer correctly.
I can start over. Life promises that I can always start over.

today, I'm ok.
sincerely and utterly ok.
2012? We're ganna dance and get things moving.

we may (or may not) be moving url locations this week. 

I'm trying to get everything ready for opening up my holistic business-

and my current website settings just isn't efficient for what I need it to do. 

if things look wacky off and on the next few days, I apologize! 

sun setting.

beginning. 

spreading. 

ending.

visiting family is always a fun break-

but it felt good slipping back into the habit of setting time aside for watching the sun rise and set.

it's the purest prayer I know.  

{ this moment }

family poker night: the aftermath. 

my father's final winnings. 

Tyler, my husband, final winnings. 

 my final winnings. you can't out bluff a woman, mister. 

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we're flying back to Washington State tonight. 

Kansas & Missouri were fun adventures and cute places. 

seeing my parents was a nice treat, and we're sad to say goodbye again. 

but it will be good to get back into a daily routine after a week off from life. 

happy weekend, friends! 

a final purging of 2011

There's a story that keeps coming up over dinner, drinks, car rides, parties, and just about every other occasion I find myself in- the story of an absolute most horrific moment in my life, really. People get a good laugh, I turn red and plot my plan of revenge on whoever brought it up this time. It happened this past summer, 2011. So in the spirit of learning to laugh at myself- and letting the past go, I thought I'd share it with you all. Get 2011 out of my system per se... 

We were on vacation with my family at the sea. We stopped at a local Fred Meyers to pick up groceries for the beach house. After the long drive there, I needed to use the bathroom. I'm not sure how it happened- and to be completely honest it was the first time it had ever happened in a public restroom- I farted. Not a cute delicate fart. No, I'm talking about the mother of all farts. A bomb....in a packed bathroom. My plan then was to stay in the stall and wait the other ladies out before making my retreat. I'd like to say this is the embarrassing part of the story, and it should have been. But somehow my life is one giant cocktail party story, increasing the humiliation for the benefit of others. You're welcome, cocktail party attendees, by the way. 

So there I was, hiding in the stall, waiting for the other women to leave the bathroom so I could exit and no one would know that sweet little ol'me just made the bathroom rumble. But I realized as I was washing my hands that my plan was unsuccessful. Another young sweet thing came out from the stall next to my mine to wash her hands. I told myself the chances she knew it was me was unlikely. So I dried my hands quickly and exited the bathroom. If you're familiar with Fred Meyers, you're familiar how their bathroom sits down a long hallway, in front of the registers. I blame the hallway for my downfall. At the end of the hallway, I could see my brother's back, leaning up against the wall. Tyler, my traitor husband, was standing next to him. They were watching my parents check out and waiting for me. I stepped up to my brother, squeezed his arm as I spoke, saying, "I just had the biggest fart of my. Entire. Life!" 

Now, this entire moment I was looking at my husband, not my brother. I was confused because my husband went real white and looked shocked before he quickly lost it. Absolutely lost it. He was laughing so hard he was on the floor, and had tears streaming down his face. Sure a loud fart in a public setting is embarrassing and earns a few chuckles, but his reaction didn't make sense to me. I looked to my brother to see what was going on only to realize the man who I was squeezing was not my brother, but a complete and utter stranger who just happened to look similar to him. I'll never forget his expression. His eyes were huge, and looked just as shocked as I was. It didn't take long until he smiled. I tried to apologize and explain, but the words just weren't there. My voice bailed on me. Tyler was useless to explain as he was on the floor choked up in tears and laughing. My parents, watching it go down from the register couldn't contain their own laughter either. I was absolutely humiliated. And the little sweet thing in the bathroom who was washing her hands? She exited, and reached for the smiling stranger's hand. The two of them together got the complete experience, I suppose. Just as they were leaving he smiled offered, "congratulations!" I couldn't form any words to say thanks. 

It took at least ten minutes for my husband to pull himself together.
if anyone farts in front of me, they usually throw in a smile and a, "I know, not the biggest fart of my life."
I'm coming to terms with the fact that embarrassment follows me. Awkward moments come natural to me. B ut I can allow everyone to laugh at my good ol' times because frankly, my general being makes great conversation. This 2012, I'm going to try to accept that.

2011? You're officially purged.
I will not be using any public restrooms this year.

We're in Kansas visiting my folks. It's good to see their faces.
I won't be online posting much this week. I hope you're all having a great start to your year!
Kansas, thus far, is a cute place. Maybe a bit too far from the ocean for my taste, but the people seem friendly, and the weather is kind.
Strange, however, having a flat horizon in every direction.
Finding my true north becomes quite literal. ;)

Do you have any embarrassing moments from the past year you'd like to share?